Cemetery Reflection

I went to the Lakeview, Roselawn and Tiger Flowers cemetery complex for this fieldtrip, and I stayed there for at least 40 minutes. When I first walked into the cemetery, some of the first tombstones were of those who had died at young ages. One person died when they were 20, and another was a child that lived only to the age of 10. This moved me to think of the families who dealt with these losses of those who were so young. It's really heartbreaking. The mood in general was solemn because it was a cemetery, but also the weather conveyed the same mood since it was grey and cloudy when I happened to go. It was a good time to reflect on others and their losses and think about the future for me.

As I reflected on passages where Lewis felt like he feels that he has been cut off and separated, and he has to deal with this suffering, it made me think about my future. I love my parents and am close with them. I don't really know how I'm going to respond with grief if something like this happened to either of my parents. Although death is a part of the end of life, it stills affects those living. And with my future husband, if he dies before me, how will I deal with my grief? What will my grieving process be? I won't really know until that time comes.

In the last two chapters of A Grief Observed, there is a shift that takes place in C.S. Lewis. We start seeing the logical side of Lewis in the middle of chapter three. He wants to start actually acting based on thinking rather than his feelings. We can especially see the difference when he says that "[his] heart was lighter than it had been for many weeks" (44). Lewis himself is recognizing a change that has taken place. He is not as gloomy as he had been. Even before this happens, there seems to be a little humor that he places in there, though probably unintentionally, but I found some statements amusing.

After this stated change, Lewis begins to see that when he doesn't mourn over H. as much, he remembers her best (44). He also says that "he remembers her better because he has partly got over it" (45). Lewis compares this also with the statement that "you can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears" (45). This came across perfectly clear to me. He is finally thinking and writing more rationally. He has progressed from an earlier stage of more complaining and blaming grief to a realization that he cannot mourn her forever, because then he will never remember her properly. The tears have to stop for him to see clearly.

Another passage that caught my attention was when Lewis mentioned that, "God [had] not been trying an experiment on [his] faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was [Lewis] who didn't" (52). I feel like these few sentences show Lewis' maturity in Christianity. Even though there were moments where Lewis felt like the door was slammed in his face, he is realizing that there was a process that God was taking him through. This experience of loss was for Lewis to really see his faith and love put on the line to know where he stands. God was revealing what He already knew to Lewis to grow him.

One of my favorite moments that Lewis wrote was, "If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all" (68). This really made me pause for a minute or two as I thought about my faith and how I approach God. I rechecked my intentions to see whether they were pure and whether I am really approaching God for God. It's a really powerful line.

I think that Lewis comes to two big conclusions. One is that he will always love H. and will feel the hurt and grieve at times for her come back around again and again. It is just like his comparison of the amputee who still feels some of the pain and again comes back to the fact that his leg is cut off. It will never be forgotten. Two is that Lewis needs to continue to rely on God. He needs God. I think after this experience and not turning completely away from God, Lewis will always remain faithful to God.

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